EDIT: This isn't supposed to be some Debbie Downer blog. Not at all. It's kind of meant as advice/funny laugh at the "Charlie Brown guy going to kick the ball" type of thing. Don't be bummed...it's all good and things are all on the upswing with all systems go. Here's to quoting Toy Story..."To infinity...AND BEYOND!"
I'm okay...you're okay! ;)
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Breaking up with someone and ending a relationship is hard. And I think that's the biggest no-brainer statement I've ever written. Carrie Bradshaw could have written that one, really. Or sadly.
It's never easy to break up with someone. It's even harder to be broken up with. I've had to find out the latter more and more over the last five years, for whatever reason.
And I just had a relationship end.
No...that's not entirely true. I had THE relationship end. You know...THE one. The one you were to marry. The one you thought was the last one you were ever to be with. Forever.
And it was as hard as you can imagine. Having to gather all your worldly possessions, find a place for them, and be gone out of another's home. Sooner rather than later. Well...that just sucks.
And as hard as the ending of that relationship was (is), the real quandary, the real riddle is this: what do you do with all your common Facebook possessions!?!
A bit of back-story, if you will...
******************************
We decided to really go for it. We decided that all the preamble, all the messing around was done, that we both knew...just KNEW that we had found our match in each other.
And that we wanted the marriage.
That we wanted the kids.
We wanted the white picket fence and the happily ever after with each other.
Because up till that day, we'd just been joking. Just been messing around. But we had a meeting of the minds (a treaty?) and I was to move out of my awesome duplex rental and into her home.
And we were to spend the rest of our lives together.
And then we weren't.
*********************************
Did I mentioned this sucks?
So, in the matter of a week (give or take), I was gone from the house I had thought I would raise my children in. The house I thought I would cut the lawn at till death parted me from it. I was homeless.
And relationship-less.
And it sucked.
But still...there was the constant reminder that I had failed...there was Facebook. Every stinking day.
I found that the loss of the relationship was just a part of it. You see...my former intended has a vast social network of very active friends. People whom I had come to know. People whom I had come to like. Some of whom had actually liked me and accepted me into their lives. Some of them were warm and gracious, and some of whom made me feel like I was just a fill in for the guy whom they liked more than me.
And this network of friends is constantly planning something. Constantly doing something. Constantly posting evidence of this on Facebook. And I was once a part of these posts. I was in the pictures. I was tagged and everything. That proved I existed, I suppose.
Only now I was not in the pictures. I was not part of the parties and a part of the get-togethers and plans.
So, step one...when you break up...remove your ex's friends from showing up on your news feed.
That helps.
Because not seeing how excited "Party Girl" is about her next get together that you know your ex will be at helps. Trust me.
Step Two...and this is a critical bridge you're going to cross. Once it's crossed, you know there's no turning back. That, as shallow as talking about Facebook being any kind of "factor" in your impending engagement can sound, you can only take when you're sure you will never, EVER get back together: deleting or blocking all of "her" friends that you had in common.
Strangely...deciding to block her friends bothered me almost as much as my relationship ending. Well...losing some of them bothered me. Some of the people I met through her were just simply awesome. Hands down, freaking AWESOME.
Some liked me with great sincerity. Some I would have hung out with had I met them outside of the context of a future fiancée.
But ultimately, these people were HER friends. Not mine. None (save for one or two) would ever call her out if they saw her making a choice they questioned as being shady.
They were her friends. And sadly...I knew that I would never see any of them again. And that hurt.
These were the people, the group of friends I thought would be our circle, our social scene until the end of time. And now they were all people I had once known. Not people I know. So, I steeled myself one night with the drink, and I removed them all. Because I knew they would all hear about how horrible I was from her. And I knew I would never live in that rural town near the lake again to see them at the store or on the roads. Closing that door was hard, tough medicine.
And I repeated the saying again..."These are her friends. Not mine." Not one of them reached out to see if I was okay. Not one of them said they were sorry for my loss.
So with that bridge crossed, it's been better. Removing years and months of gushy posts from walls, removing tags from pictures, and removing "likes" takes a lot of time. It took me about 3 hours one night. And I cried the whole way through it.
I found that is the ugly underbelly to Facebook. They always warn you that what is on the internet is forever. You never really internalize it till you're faced with something like this.
At least I didn't.
Having to retract from the world what you once so proudly and willingly put out there as your proudest moment...because it's all gone away...well...that just sucks.
Choose wisely, friends.
And be excellent to each other.
I'm okay...you're okay! ;)
*****************************************
Breaking up with someone and ending a relationship is hard. And I think that's the biggest no-brainer statement I've ever written. Carrie Bradshaw could have written that one, really. Or sadly.
It's never easy to break up with someone. It's even harder to be broken up with. I've had to find out the latter more and more over the last five years, for whatever reason.
And I just had a relationship end.
No...that's not entirely true. I had THE relationship end. You know...THE one. The one you were to marry. The one you thought was the last one you were ever to be with. Forever.
And it was as hard as you can imagine. Having to gather all your worldly possessions, find a place for them, and be gone out of another's home. Sooner rather than later. Well...that just sucks.
And as hard as the ending of that relationship was (is), the real quandary, the real riddle is this: what do you do with all your common Facebook possessions!?!
A bit of back-story, if you will...
******************************
We decided to really go for it. We decided that all the preamble, all the messing around was done, that we both knew...just KNEW that we had found our match in each other.
And that we wanted the marriage.
That we wanted the kids.
We wanted the white picket fence and the happily ever after with each other.
Because up till that day, we'd just been joking. Just been messing around. But we had a meeting of the minds (a treaty?) and I was to move out of my awesome duplex rental and into her home.
And we were to spend the rest of our lives together.
And then we weren't.
*********************************
Did I mentioned this sucks?
So, in the matter of a week (give or take), I was gone from the house I had thought I would raise my children in. The house I thought I would cut the lawn at till death parted me from it. I was homeless.
And relationship-less.
And it sucked.
But still...there was the constant reminder that I had failed...there was Facebook. Every stinking day.
I found that the loss of the relationship was just a part of it. You see...my former intended has a vast social network of very active friends. People whom I had come to know. People whom I had come to like. Some of whom had actually liked me and accepted me into their lives. Some of them were warm and gracious, and some of whom made me feel like I was just a fill in for the guy whom they liked more than me.
And this network of friends is constantly planning something. Constantly doing something. Constantly posting evidence of this on Facebook. And I was once a part of these posts. I was in the pictures. I was tagged and everything. That proved I existed, I suppose.
Only now I was not in the pictures. I was not part of the parties and a part of the get-togethers and plans.
So, step one...when you break up...remove your ex's friends from showing up on your news feed.
That helps.
Because not seeing how excited "Party Girl" is about her next get together that you know your ex will be at helps. Trust me.
Step Two...and this is a critical bridge you're going to cross. Once it's crossed, you know there's no turning back. That, as shallow as talking about Facebook being any kind of "factor" in your impending engagement can sound, you can only take when you're sure you will never, EVER get back together: deleting or blocking all of "her" friends that you had in common.
Strangely...deciding to block her friends bothered me almost as much as my relationship ending. Well...losing some of them bothered me. Some of the people I met through her were just simply awesome. Hands down, freaking AWESOME.
Some liked me with great sincerity. Some I would have hung out with had I met them outside of the context of a future fiancée.
But ultimately, these people were HER friends. Not mine. None (save for one or two) would ever call her out if they saw her making a choice they questioned as being shady.
They were her friends. And sadly...I knew that I would never see any of them again. And that hurt.
These were the people, the group of friends I thought would be our circle, our social scene until the end of time. And now they were all people I had once known. Not people I know. So, I steeled myself one night with the drink, and I removed them all. Because I knew they would all hear about how horrible I was from her. And I knew I would never live in that rural town near the lake again to see them at the store or on the roads. Closing that door was hard, tough medicine.
And I repeated the saying again..."These are her friends. Not mine." Not one of them reached out to see if I was okay. Not one of them said they were sorry for my loss.
So with that bridge crossed, it's been better. Removing years and months of gushy posts from walls, removing tags from pictures, and removing "likes" takes a lot of time. It took me about 3 hours one night. And I cried the whole way through it.
I found that is the ugly underbelly to Facebook. They always warn you that what is on the internet is forever. You never really internalize it till you're faced with something like this.
At least I didn't.
Having to retract from the world what you once so proudly and willingly put out there as your proudest moment...because it's all gone away...well...that just sucks.
Choose wisely, friends.
And be excellent to each other.
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